Hell Week

Not Pledge Hell Week (although that is quickly approaching).

I had every midterm last week plus a paper. Not to mention additional drama thanks to The Nana.

The Nana flew in to "have a serious discussion" with me about how I still am not on speaking terms with The Older Brother. Of course, I wasn't informed of this meeting so when she came up to The House, I was sitting in my room with The Guitar Hero. And since the forces of the universe are hellbent against me, The Guitar Hero sprung at the chance to meet a member of my family... the catch being that the person he was about to meet already hated his guts. Of course, The Nana already knew who he was and immediately told him that she had no interest in speaking with him and that her granddaughter could do so much better if only she weren't so stubborn and lazy about finding a decent man.

Thanks Nana, you're TOO kind. I was pissed as hell that she just showed up and even more angry because she just insulted The Guitar Hero AND me to both of our faces. But I couldn't bring myself to yell obscenities at my grandmother. That probably wouldn't fly so well with anyone in my family since she's the unofficial matriarch.

Of course, The Guitar Hero felt that both his and my honor were sullied and stupidly proceeded to disagree with her. He asked what she meant about me being "too lazy to find a man" and she quickly retorted that she didn't have to reply because he was too immature and stupid to understand. He pressed on and said that he had a right to know why he wasn't a "decent man" and then she criticized everything from his looks to his family background and ended on the fact that he was a brother of The Mansion. Then she told him that if it weren't for him, I would be dating "someone worthy" who would be able to satisfy my every desire.

Now this is when things get fucked up. She then said that he obviously could not satisfy me sexually because he, like all Mansion men, have small packages. That's right, my dear darling OLD Nana decided to play the sex card. I couldn't even get in a word to my defense, she immediately turned to me and said, "Your mother told me. If you didn't have sex, I would be worried. But you really should choose your partners better. You'll enjoy it more that way."

I was torn between laughing that my grandmother just told my boyfriend off for lacking in the sex department and crying because there is absolutely nothing more horrific than your grandmother telling your boyfriend that he is ill-equipped and then telling you that she knows that you have sex. I wonder if the grandchildren of the old lady sex specialist on late night TV feel as horrified. I do.

The fun didn't stop there. The Guitar Hero then told The Nana that he can satisfy me plenty because I scream loud enough for all of the adjacent rooms to hear while we have sex. (At this point, I'd like to deviate from the story for a moment to let you know that this is not factually true... the walls at The Mansion are soundproof so that they can have parties without disturbing bros who need to study.)

Oh, and then The Sorority Prodigy walked into my room just in time to hear that last comment.

I think The Nana has Tourette's or something because then she proceeded to sing a dirty song from The House about The Mansion which clearly made them seem like sexually impotent douchebags. I'd heard this song before but certainly never sang it outside the context of The House. And I certainly never expected my respectable (supposedly) grandmother to belt it out. Apparently this song came from The Nana's time at The House. As if I weren't traumatized enough for one weekend.

I think that's when The Guitar Hero got up, kissed me, and left. I proceeded to throw The Nana out... as politely as possible. Nevertheless I was called no later than five minutes after seeing her to the front door and The Mother was attempting to get me to reconcile with The Nana. Three minutes after that, The Cool Aunt called to find out what went down and what's this about screaming so loud that other frat boys could hear. So basically the entire family knows about my sexcapades, true or not.

And somehow The Guitar Hero is not happy with me despite the fact that he was the one who picked the fight with The Nana. There is no pleasing anyone.

I kick ass at diffusing conflict and placating people to a degree. But honestly, not even the most sororitay of sororitay girls could get out of this one seamlessly.