Foam, like champagne, is light, bubbly, and therefore fun

Foam parties are SO much fun.

Minus the fact that it's freezing outside so showing up to the party in a bikini is a little painful... but it's not wise to bring things to a foam party... they get lost in the foam. I feel a little bad for the bros at The Cave... I mean I guess the darkness set the mood for the foam party, but cleaning up that shit must be horrible. Ironic, because they're cleaning up soap basically... but still horrible.

That and people have been known to have sex in the foam. That's just gross. Tempting, because it's like sex in a giant bathtub, but disgusting for everyone else involved. Especially cuz the condoms disappear and aren't found until the bros start cleaning up.

But that's not my problem. Foam parties are awesome.

I can't wait for this party season to really get under way.

RIP Heath Ledger

I can't believe Heath Ledger died. He was like epitome of historical hottie. Well, at least in The Patriot and A Knight's Tale. I was like... physically in pain when his character died in the movie.

I mean he was pretty much looked upon favorably by the tabloids and the crazies. And he had such a cute daughter. It's really sad to think that one day, you can just GO like that. I mean granted there's speculation of prescriptive drugs involved, still. I mean he doesn't strike me as the kind of person to abuse drugs... not like the crazy people you tend to learn about in those Just Say No campaigns that schools run. He was responsible.

If anything, I would have seen Britney going first. Or Lindsay Lohan. They're both tons crazier and completely less responsible. Anna Nicole Smith? Not a surprise. Heath Ledger? Devastating.

I think The House is having an official mourning period. Honestly, when the news broke, I got about 20 text messages instantly. It was kind of ridiculous.

RIP Heath. The world will miss you!!

Drunk texting is embarrasing for you, but hilarious for me

For a little background on tonight's Drunky Drunk Theatre...

The Frat Guy with a Liver of Steel has been around for ages. He's like... a sixth year because he keeps switching majors and presumably aspires to be Peter Pan so he doesn't have to ever grow up and can be so drunk, high, and other that he'll constantly hallucinate a fairy companion dressed like a whore. Or have an actual whore. He's actually gotten a fair amount of action for being a disgusting slob who hits on freshmen. Probably how he gets so much action... all the rest of us steer clear of him. Come to think of it... how the hell did he get my number...

Text transcript beginning 12:57am:

The Frat Guy with a Liver of Steel: Hey im SO drunk rite now. Come over

Anonymous Sorority Girl: fun? u ok?

The Frat Guy with a Liver of Steel: Ya ya im k. R u k? U need me 2 come get u? I wanna be all over u like buttr on toast tonite

Anonymous Sorority Girl: uh im good. actually im at The Mansion w/ The Guitar Hero so im kinda busy.

The Frat Guy with a Liver of Steel: WTF u doin w/ that fag? Need me 2 come save u n take u to my place so I can give u some lovin feelin.

Anonymous Sorority Girl: lol y r u not w/ Freshman Girl Who Hasn't Figured Out You're A 6th Year Yet tonight?

The Frat Guy with a Liver of Steel: she dumpd me. bsides i want u not her. lose douchebag n come over.

Anonymous Sorority Girl: ouch she dumped u?

The Frat Guy with a Liver of Steel: nah i dvmped heq. come over. wuts the ass got that i dont got.

Anonymous Sorority Girl: he wrote me a song n hes gonna play it for me. plus i havent hung out w/ him in awhile.

The Frat Guy with a Liver of Steel: o so u feel sory for him so ur hangin. wutev hes such a ploser. shud come over n feel a real man.

Anonymous Sorority Girl: g2g seeya mayb @ the bbq tmo.

End transmission.

What the fuck is a "ploser"? Was he trying to say poser or loser? I can't tell. And what the hell with the pickup lines?! Those were SO bad they couldn't even be considered bad and moldy cheese. But again, hilarious pretty much for everyone except him. Definitely an example of why being a drunken fool is a pretty bad decision all around.

The funniest part is that he won't remember any of it tomorrow and he'll probably wake up with magic marker all over him in the basement of his frat house. Who knows? Maybe he'll show up at the barbecue that way. That would be great. I'd love to see him tomorrow morning, hung over out of his mind, with "I Heart Dick" on his forehead. It happened last fall... word on The Row is that one of his bros forced a pledge write that on The Frat Guy with a Liver of Steel's forehead. Apparently he didn't notice til he went out later that night. I don't know whether that's funny or disgusting... that he must not have taken a shower or looked into a bathroom mirror before going out after an entire night of drunken and sweaty partying.

Frat boys are gross.

Except maybe The Guitar Hero. He's a pretty sweet guy and decently cute in his musician wannabe rockstar kind of way. The song he wrote was pretty good. It wasn't EXACTLY written for me but supposedly I inspired it... well according to him anyway.

He wants to go to dinner and "hang out after". Knowing him it'll end up being some really cute over the top date like in A Walk to Remember. God, Shane West is HOT. I agreed, so I guess we'll see where this goes. I don't know... 'cause he is in The Mansion and I like just kickin' it with the bros there.

Dating him might make my friendships with them awkward. Not to mention relationships with other sororities. After all, according to Tinkerballerina, The Guitar Hero was semi-seriously going out with one of The Dancers until he walked in on her and one of his bros going at it like rabbits.

Drama Drama Drama.

The last thing I need is an overly paranoid and insecure boyfriend and a bunch of sororobrats from the other Houses talking shit about me. News travels fast on The Row.

Shopping is Stressful

One would think that a sorority girl, when not flashing people at a frat party and giving countless number of bjs, she would be shopping.

This assumption is wrong on all three counts.

Firstly, I have yet to see a sorority girl from The House or otherwise, randomly pull a Girls Gone Wild and flash someone at a frat party. Well. Except for maybe The Skank from STDs 'R' Us, but she's an exception... even in their house.

Secondly, the number of blow jobs a sorority girl gives is grossly overestimated. Grossly. No pun intended.

Thirdly, I wish I could shop all the time that I'm not a frat party. I wish I had that much disposable income and purchasing power hanging out in my adorable-yet-purchased-during-Black-Friday-sales L.A.M.B wallet.

I am entirely envious of The Daddy's Girl in The House. Her dad has an AMEX Black card. And she gets to go shopping with it. It is glorious. And I aspire to have it someday. Either by my own toil and sweat or by marriage. Hey, after all, I'm a sorority girl. All of you who say I shouldn't marry for money... well I also shouldn't base my decision on not marrying someone based on how much money he has. It goes both ways. So ha. Justification. Or something like it.

In any case... shopping is stressful when I'm looking for the ultimately perfect item to add to my closet. The perfect cashmere sweater. Just the right wash of denim. The exact color in a shirt to bring out the sparkle in my eyes. Too often the shirts are cut too long or short, the jeans have pockets that flatten rather than enhance the butt, or the flare is too much. I hate that.

But there are those glorious moments when you succeed. Although today's success was minor in comparison to finding the perfect jeans to enhance the butt (side note: apparently Victoria's Secret has these new jeans that have elastic to "lift" the butt...), it was still nevertheless a success.

I saved up pennies from the endless sweater folding at Generic Retail Store and purchased:

+1 Shu Uemura Eyelash Curler
+1 Christian Dior Diorshow Waterproof Mascara

And it was glorious.

Each of these purchases individually are bliss in a box... and together... well... together it was quite possibly better than sex.

I know, that's hard to believe for the rogue man on here... but shopping and finding that perfect item is just an orgasmic experience in itself that you shall likely never know. Unless you're gay, in which case, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

I really wish Shu Uemura and Dior would pay me for blogging about their product. Alas, I am not in their pocket. I am just a sorority girl living in a material world who likes to be pretty.

Big eyes with lashes batting... sure enough, I got the number of Tanned and Built Lifeguard upon my visit to the Club Pool this afternoon.

For more tips on big eyes and gorgeousness... visit the Anonymous Sorority Girl's Guide to Make Up and Make Overs!! Guess what, I write about what kinds of things we do as Sorority Girls to make us sparkle.

This is my blog. I can shamelessly plug my other blog on this one. So go.

To all sorority women who recruit during spring...

Hahahaha. The House doesn't. Thank God.

So Tinkerballerina from the sorority that I will term The Dancers... offhandedly asked me if we do spring recruitment. We don't. Fortunately, we've got lots of girls and we get so many more during formal Fall Recruitment that our International HQ loves us for it and we don't have to do the torturous process again in spring.

The Dancers apparently are recruiting because their numbers are shaky. It's all a numbers game in the end. The sorority with the most women who are

-pretty (but not fake)
-not overly slutty (but not prudes)
-not alcoholics (but not sober-ites)

win, in a word. We fit this description for the most part... minus the minority of The Awkwards. The frats like us, we get invited to stuff. It's all good.

The Dancers... not so much. They used to be real big on campus but they graduated a lot of girls and the ones that are left are a little hardcore. A good number of them are on the dance team and have to watch their diets, curfews, and can't risk the occasional drunken tumble for fear of breaking something important. They have to bend their bodies in unnatural positions for those dance competitions.

Anyway, so they have to talk to God knows how many Girls Who Were Rejected during Fall Rush and a limited number of genuine girls. Such a fine balance between getting your most interesting girls paired up with the best rushees and keeping these people away from The Awkwards and The Rejects. It's like... trying to treat cancer. You want to blast the bad cells to bits while preserving the good cells. Although perhaps not quite as violent. Well maybe. We don't want those Awkwards coming back.

Not to mention having to train your newly initiated fall class in the ways of recruitment. The right clothes, the right look, the right conversation. Yet not fake. Not everyone can have a cream top, Sevens jeans, and cream heels. I can see it now at an amusement park... It's a Small World After All meets Stepford: The Ride to Hell with Smiles. Honest to God it would be... after all there's a lot of chanting and skits and really wide smiles.

It's even worse for them since their International hates them or something and they're having dry rush... meaning they can't drink for the entire period of rush... which is pretty shitty for them since frats spend considerably more money on alcohol and get better quality alcohol for their rush events which will be going on at the same time as The Dancers' rush week.

I feel almost sorry for Tinkerballerina. But then I remember that she brought it upon herself. It's her "just dessert" of a Devil's Food Cake just chock full of carbs and sugar and fat and Sorority Experiences from Hell. She joined The Dancers because they were "just like her" even though she would have fit in great at The House and a lot of girls really liked her.

Oh well... her problem. While she's talking to rejected girls who are needy and eat their feelings, I will be out at Frat Rush Events. Supposedly they're having a Luau Night at The Mansion. What's better than tall, tanned, and gorgeous lacrosse players, a couple of Mai Tais, and getting "lei'd"?

How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?

Sixty-five. One to do it, sixty-four to sing and clap next to her.

---

Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of them.

After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, “I wish the ocean was made of beer.”

Magically, the ocean turns to beer.

Infuriated, the other guy yells, “You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!”

An Emu is a Large Flightless Bird... And Now It's a Brand of Fugg.

I used to like Macy's. I used to ask for gift cards there for Christmas. And then it acquired Robinson's May and began its descent to Fashion Hell.

Macy's now proudly sells Emu Australia sheepskin boots... they look almost exactly like authentic Uggs, except they're made of thinner material and apparently they're itchier. And they aren't Uggs. Fake Uggs that cost about $15-20 cheaper than real ones. What the hell. Why would I spend $130 for poorer quality ones when that tiny margin would get me the real ones? If I'm going to spend that kind of money anyway, I'd get the real Ugg boots.

I need to tell people to stop getting me gift cards to Macy's. And remind me to never walk in there again unless I just want a laugh. Honestly. Next they're going to come up with Tasmanian Devil boots or something.

Today I received an email from The Whiner. She whines about everything. This particular email was about how ridiculous it was that we sorority girls are "expected" to own designer brand clothing. And how "unnecessary" and "shallow" it all is.

I wonder why she decided to rush. It's a SORORITY. At the end of the day, we like pretty clothes and bags and shoes. Especially shoes.

But, to placate her (or at least turn down the earsplitting whining into a more tolerable low grumble) I replied that buying designer labels does not necessarily imply superficiality and an obsession with showing how much money one has. Frankly, many (not all) designer products are just crafted with more care and produced from higher quality products. Does it hurt to pay $100+ for a pair of jeans? Yes, yes it does. But it also means that I can wear said pair of jeans many, many times without fading and holes appearing. Maybe that's why she whines so much about her clothing falling apart and having to go shopping all the time... all of her stuff falls apart because it was from the Disposable Clothing, Inc. I hate their stuff. It's alright for an occasion... I imagine Houses who have themed recruitment colors shop here... but you can literally only wear your purchase once before it shrinks, stretches or develops annoying little balls of lint that need to be shaved off. You should not have to ever shave clothing unless it's a sweater that has been worn and washed a lot.

The key to frugal designer purchasing is to selectively purchase CLASSIC items that will be timeless and used a lot. Like gorgeous black Manolo Blahnik pumps or a pair of dark blue Citizens. Not that $250 fuchsia scarf shirt that will be out of style by next week.

Of course I want haute couture and secretly really want that fuchsia scarf shirt. But where would I wear it? On Friday night, I'm not going to a posh launch party or premiere of a movie I starred in, I'm probably going to go clubbing or hit up some parties on The Row. Expensive designer clothing and Cheap Beer That Tastes Worse Than Urine do not mix. And there won't be anyone sober enough to admire it for what it is anyway.

Fat People Are Disgusting

Fat people need to get off their lazy asses and lose the belly rolls and cankles and ugh I can't even think about it anymore. Seriously. It's not good for you. Or for me for that matter because I have to watch you jiggle and huff and puff when you try to move like two feet. I don't want to have to sit next to you on airplanes. I don't want to have to awkwardly try to move around you when we're shopping. And it's awkward when you shop in the store I work in and ask me for an opinion about a top... that's like three sizes too small for you.

It's a health issue too. You're storing up Type II Diabetes and Heart Disease there.

I mean if you have a thyroid problem, fine, it's out of your control and it's not like you can beat your mutinying thyroid into submission. Or you're having a stressful month and blew up like 20lbs, it's okay. We all have those. Get back to the gym ASAP and take care of yourself and it'll be okay.

But if you're like 300lbs and 5'2"... go out for a walk. That's all it takes. Go WALK. And when you get to McDonald's, you know, try eating a salad as opposed to the Big Mac, Large Fries, and Large Diet Coke. The Diet Coke does not make it okay for you to consume a Big Mac and Large Fries.

Stop jiggling by me with your muffin tops hanging out and your greasy faces that come with eating all that fatty food without working out... and stop trying to rush The House. We don't want your fatness influencing other girls and making them think it's okay to let yourself go like that. It's not. It's especially not okay when you're a boring person to top it off. We are a sorority. We take people we like. We don't want broken people who are seeking help. And above all, we don't want frat guys and professors to avert their eyes uncomfortably when we interact with them.

And if you really think you're still great and can get a job because you're SO talented... think again. Employers have to pay health insurance and they have to look at you. Health insurance can get pricey when you've got issues like a bad back and insulin needs. While it's not legal to base physical size when considering employment, they'll pay extra special attention to your application and if you don't make one teensy qualification, well there goes your employment. Is it easier to learn how to program a computer, ten-key by touch, type 120 wpm, become a certified public accountant and member of the AICPA... or just go for a 20 minute walk 3 times a week?

I sometimes wish Natural Selection was still in effect more so than the ability of humans to effectively overcome it with technological advances in medicine. Fat people are slow and wheezy and full of nutrients. They would not survive. Predators would catch them and feed them to their babies.

Fat people need to look at themselves in the mirror, stop crying into their Supersized Meals, and make a commitment to get themselves on a healthier track.