I woke up this morning and looked out from the balcony to find all of our patio tables stacked 3 high with the lounge chairs forming bridges between the two structures. At the top of two structures were "flagpoles" shoved into the holes where umbrellas should have gone and the flags... two pairs of boxers fluttering in the breeze.
Obviously a fraternity's doing... the only question is which one? The most likely culprits are always The Charter House and possibly The Hilltop House... The Charter House because we still have their Charter and Hilltop House is always trying to raid us.
We don't really care too much though because The Mansion offered us their pledges to take down the tables and chairs and arrange them properly again. So nice of them.
I can't wait until tomorrow. There are going to be raging parties tomorrow night and I've got a hot costume. The only unfortunate thing about Halloween is that the streets are littered with smashed pumpkins. On the plus side, it's cold enough now that there aren't too many flies around the broken chunks. But they'll start to smell soon. I don't know what possesses guys to want to break pumpkins all over the place. I imagine I'll see pledges picking up pieces of broken pumpkin before the day is over.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Making the World a Better Place
So I am now participating in The Mansion's philanthropy event to compensate for The Nana's crazy behavior and insinuations of The Guitar Hero's lack of virility.
The catch here is that their philanthropy event is a date auction. I guess it's not all bad... a chance to prove that I'm worth oodles of money. And yes. I am that confident that I will generate an obscene amount of money because I'm hot and I have the statistics to back me up. Not to mention the convenience of knowing that The Guitar Hero will likely end up in a bidding war with The Flirt since The Flirt has been on a mission to regain some of his dignity since we stole The Charter House's Charter.
This should be pretty entertaining and I suppose I should keep in mind that it IS benefiting Research and The Search for a Cure for Some Potentially Life Threatening And/Or Quality of Life Decreasing Disease.
The great part of having Greek family members is that they're all ambivalent about my participation in said date auction. The Mother is both amused and disapproving because she knows that sorority girls participate in such philanthropy events yet does not like the idea of her daughter being auctioned off to the highest bidder. The Father is significantly less amused because I'm his precious little girl, but he is grudgingly accepting that it is for a good cause and isn't in any form as bad as the wet t-shirt contest philanthropy event that The Cousin Who Likes to Push Boundaries participated in last year. Despite the fact that her school is in The South and thus extremely Greek, I'm shocked that any advisor would approve a philanthropy event like THAT. After all it's just one very thin layer of basically see-through white fabric, which doesn't leave much (if any) up to the imagination. I think The Cousin Who Likes to Push Boundaries does it for the shock factor. She likes to prove to people that she doesn't fit into a certain mold or conception that they might have of her.
The Older Brother (we're on speaking terms again... The Mother convinced him to call after The Nana incident) is supportive because his fraternity conducted a similar date auction a few years ago. He said to let The Guitar Hero know that he was willing to add $500 to The Guitar Hero's bid to help him win me if a bidding war ensued past The Guitar Hero's financial resources. That was generous. I don't understand The Older Brother's sudden change in attitude... something must be going on that I don't know about. Maybe The Parents did threaten to cut him out of the trust fund unless he talked to me.
On the note of date auctions... I don't understand why girls who clearly don't stand a chance sign up. It's one thing if you have a boyfriend who will most assuredly bid on you (if he knows what's good for him...) but it's entirely another if you are single and known as The Row Bitch. She's from Tinkerballerina's house, The Dancers. She's really not cute or hot enough for her to be that bitchy either. And most frat boys steer clear of her because there are some interesting stories involving her spreading rumors of impotence and/or general incompetence and no guy wants the girls to think that they're sloppy in bed. Talk about cockblock.
Haha The Sorority Prodigy tried to sign up for the date auction too but The Guitar Hero flat out said no and ripped up her form! Oh how protective big brothers are...
The catch here is that their philanthropy event is a date auction. I guess it's not all bad... a chance to prove that I'm worth oodles of money. And yes. I am that confident that I will generate an obscene amount of money because I'm hot and I have the statistics to back me up. Not to mention the convenience of knowing that The Guitar Hero will likely end up in a bidding war with The Flirt since The Flirt has been on a mission to regain some of his dignity since we stole The Charter House's Charter.
This should be pretty entertaining and I suppose I should keep in mind that it IS benefiting Research and The Search for a Cure for Some Potentially Life Threatening And/Or Quality of Life Decreasing Disease.
The great part of having Greek family members is that they're all ambivalent about my participation in said date auction. The Mother is both amused and disapproving because she knows that sorority girls participate in such philanthropy events yet does not like the idea of her daughter being auctioned off to the highest bidder. The Father is significantly less amused because I'm his precious little girl, but he is grudgingly accepting that it is for a good cause and isn't in any form as bad as the wet t-shirt contest philanthropy event that The Cousin Who Likes to Push Boundaries participated in last year. Despite the fact that her school is in The South and thus extremely Greek, I'm shocked that any advisor would approve a philanthropy event like THAT. After all it's just one very thin layer of basically see-through white fabric, which doesn't leave much (if any) up to the imagination. I think The Cousin Who Likes to Push Boundaries does it for the shock factor. She likes to prove to people that she doesn't fit into a certain mold or conception that they might have of her.
The Older Brother (we're on speaking terms again... The Mother convinced him to call after The Nana incident) is supportive because his fraternity conducted a similar date auction a few years ago. He said to let The Guitar Hero know that he was willing to add $500 to The Guitar Hero's bid to help him win me if a bidding war ensued past The Guitar Hero's financial resources. That was generous. I don't understand The Older Brother's sudden change in attitude... something must be going on that I don't know about. Maybe The Parents did threaten to cut him out of the trust fund unless he talked to me.
On the note of date auctions... I don't understand why girls who clearly don't stand a chance sign up. It's one thing if you have a boyfriend who will most assuredly bid on you (if he knows what's good for him...) but it's entirely another if you are single and known as The Row Bitch. She's from Tinkerballerina's house, The Dancers. She's really not cute or hot enough for her to be that bitchy either. And most frat boys steer clear of her because there are some interesting stories involving her spreading rumors of impotence and/or general incompetence and no guy wants the girls to think that they're sloppy in bed. Talk about cockblock.
Haha The Sorority Prodigy tried to sign up for the date auction too but The Guitar Hero flat out said no and ripped up her form! Oh how protective big brothers are...
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Hell Week
Not Pledge Hell Week (although that is quickly approaching).
I had every midterm last week plus a paper. Not to mention additional drama thanks to The Nana.
The Nana flew in to "have a serious discussion" with me about how I still am not on speaking terms with The Older Brother. Of course, I wasn't informed of this meeting so when she came up to The House, I was sitting in my room with The Guitar Hero. And since the forces of the universe are hellbent against me, The Guitar Hero sprung at the chance to meet a member of my family... the catch being that the person he was about to meet already hated his guts. Of course, The Nana already knew who he was and immediately told him that she had no interest in speaking with him and that her granddaughter could do so much better if only she weren't so stubborn and lazy about finding a decent man.
Thanks Nana, you're TOO kind. I was pissed as hell that she just showed up and even more angry because she just insulted The Guitar Hero AND me to both of our faces. But I couldn't bring myself to yell obscenities at my grandmother. That probably wouldn't fly so well with anyone in my family since she's the unofficial matriarch.
Of course, The Guitar Hero felt that both his and my honor were sullied and stupidly proceeded to disagree with her. He asked what she meant about me being "too lazy to find a man" and she quickly retorted that she didn't have to reply because he was too immature and stupid to understand. He pressed on and said that he had a right to know why he wasn't a "decent man" and then she criticized everything from his looks to his family background and ended on the fact that he was a brother of The Mansion. Then she told him that if it weren't for him, I would be dating "someone worthy" who would be able to satisfy my every desire.
Now this is when things get fucked up. She then said that he obviously could not satisfy me sexually because he, like all Mansion men, have small packages. That's right, my dear darling OLD Nana decided to play the sex card. I couldn't even get in a word to my defense, she immediately turned to me and said, "Your mother told me. If you didn't have sex, I would be worried. But you really should choose your partners better. You'll enjoy it more that way."
I was torn between laughing that my grandmother just told my boyfriend off for lacking in the sex department and crying because there is absolutely nothing more horrific than your grandmother telling your boyfriend that he is ill-equipped and then telling you that she knows that you have sex. I wonder if the grandchildren of the old lady sex specialist on late night TV feel as horrified. I do.
The fun didn't stop there. The Guitar Hero then told The Nana that he can satisfy me plenty because I scream loud enough for all of the adjacent rooms to hear while we have sex. (At this point, I'd like to deviate from the story for a moment to let you know that this is not factually true... the walls at The Mansion are soundproof so that they can have parties without disturbing bros who need to study.)
Oh, and then The Sorority Prodigy walked into my room just in time to hear that last comment.
I think The Nana has Tourette's or something because then she proceeded to sing a dirty song from The House about The Mansion which clearly made them seem like sexually impotent douchebags. I'd heard this song before but certainly never sang it outside the context of The House. And I certainly never expected my respectable (supposedly) grandmother to belt it out. Apparently this song came from The Nana's time at The House. As if I weren't traumatized enough for one weekend.
I think that's when The Guitar Hero got up, kissed me, and left. I proceeded to throw The Nana out... as politely as possible. Nevertheless I was called no later than five minutes after seeing her to the front door and The Mother was attempting to get me to reconcile with The Nana. Three minutes after that, The Cool Aunt called to find out what went down and what's this about screaming so loud that other frat boys could hear. So basically the entire family knows about my sexcapades, true or not.
And somehow The Guitar Hero is not happy with me despite the fact that he was the one who picked the fight with The Nana. There is no pleasing anyone.
I kick ass at diffusing conflict and placating people to a degree. But honestly, not even the most sororitay of sororitay girls could get out of this one seamlessly.
I had every midterm last week plus a paper. Not to mention additional drama thanks to The Nana.
The Nana flew in to "have a serious discussion" with me about how I still am not on speaking terms with The Older Brother. Of course, I wasn't informed of this meeting so when she came up to The House, I was sitting in my room with The Guitar Hero. And since the forces of the universe are hellbent against me, The Guitar Hero sprung at the chance to meet a member of my family... the catch being that the person he was about to meet already hated his guts. Of course, The Nana already knew who he was and immediately told him that she had no interest in speaking with him and that her granddaughter could do so much better if only she weren't so stubborn and lazy about finding a decent man.
Thanks Nana, you're TOO kind. I was pissed as hell that she just showed up and even more angry because she just insulted The Guitar Hero AND me to both of our faces. But I couldn't bring myself to yell obscenities at my grandmother. That probably wouldn't fly so well with anyone in my family since she's the unofficial matriarch.
Of course, The Guitar Hero felt that both his and my honor were sullied and stupidly proceeded to disagree with her. He asked what she meant about me being "too lazy to find a man" and she quickly retorted that she didn't have to reply because he was too immature and stupid to understand. He pressed on and said that he had a right to know why he wasn't a "decent man" and then she criticized everything from his looks to his family background and ended on the fact that he was a brother of The Mansion. Then she told him that if it weren't for him, I would be dating "someone worthy" who would be able to satisfy my every desire.
Now this is when things get fucked up. She then said that he obviously could not satisfy me sexually because he, like all Mansion men, have small packages. That's right, my dear darling OLD Nana decided to play the sex card. I couldn't even get in a word to my defense, she immediately turned to me and said, "Your mother told me. If you didn't have sex, I would be worried. But you really should choose your partners better. You'll enjoy it more that way."
I was torn between laughing that my grandmother just told my boyfriend off for lacking in the sex department and crying because there is absolutely nothing more horrific than your grandmother telling your boyfriend that he is ill-equipped and then telling you that she knows that you have sex. I wonder if the grandchildren of the old lady sex specialist on late night TV feel as horrified. I do.
The fun didn't stop there. The Guitar Hero then told The Nana that he can satisfy me plenty because I scream loud enough for all of the adjacent rooms to hear while we have sex. (At this point, I'd like to deviate from the story for a moment to let you know that this is not factually true... the walls at The Mansion are soundproof so that they can have parties without disturbing bros who need to study.)
Oh, and then The Sorority Prodigy walked into my room just in time to hear that last comment.
I think The Nana has Tourette's or something because then she proceeded to sing a dirty song from The House about The Mansion which clearly made them seem like sexually impotent douchebags. I'd heard this song before but certainly never sang it outside the context of The House. And I certainly never expected my respectable (supposedly) grandmother to belt it out. Apparently this song came from The Nana's time at The House. As if I weren't traumatized enough for one weekend.
I think that's when The Guitar Hero got up, kissed me, and left. I proceeded to throw The Nana out... as politely as possible. Nevertheless I was called no later than five minutes after seeing her to the front door and The Mother was attempting to get me to reconcile with The Nana. Three minutes after that, The Cool Aunt called to find out what went down and what's this about screaming so loud that other frat boys could hear. So basically the entire family knows about my sexcapades, true or not.
And somehow The Guitar Hero is not happy with me despite the fact that he was the one who picked the fight with The Nana. There is no pleasing anyone.
I kick ass at diffusing conflict and placating people to a degree. But honestly, not even the most sororitay of sororitay girls could get out of this one seamlessly.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
The Second Task with a spoonful of sweet revenge
It's that time of year again when the fraternity men send their pledges on missions to raid our house and we in turn send our pledges over there to toy with them.
I basically orchestrated The Second Task for the new pledges. It was time that I took a hand in planning some of the tasks. That and I need to exact my revenge on The Flirt... and what better way than through pledge bonding?
The Flirt had the nerve to hand the red thong I had given his little bro back to me in the middle of Monday Night Football and insinuate to everyone there that I had "forgotten it" there the night before.
I casually let it slip to The Flirt that The Pledges were going to go steal The Hilltop House's composite. I know he's been wanting to send The Charter House Pledges to raid The House and possibly steal some House paraphernalia - assorted trophies and plaques from various competitions we've won. I know that what he really wants is our Charter.
The Charter is nothing more than a symbolic and historic piece of paper which recognizes the particular Greek chapter as a local branch of whatever organization, fraternity or sorority. It's just a piece of paper, generally in a frame, but it is power. As tradition on The Row holds, steal a Chapter Charter and you can demand a request, any request, from them. It's the ultimate power play. As far as I know, no Charter has been stolen in recent memory... I heard that Barbie's Whorehouse had their Charter stolen several years ago and the repercussion was doing a lap around The Row stark naked.
I fully intend on never having The House Charter stolen.
As per Greek rules, The Charter must hang fully displayed. And so it is in The House... but seeing as there were no specifications as to where it is hung, we at The House have ours displayed on an outcrop from the wall about 30 feet in the air facing our twin stairs, but impossible to reach without a ladder. It sits in a niche essentially, probably originally intended for fake plants or useless decorative crap.
In any case, during this conversation with The Flirt, I also led him to believe that The House Actives would be away at an exchange with The Mansion... completely believable since several of us are dating several of them. You could practically see the cogwheels in his brain turning about how he would plan to steal The House Charter.
And last night the plan came together quite nicely. At about 10:30 last night, we sent The Pledges in the general direction of The Hilltop House. We in turn, turned off most of the lights and prepared for the raid.
I can't imagine why all the fraternities try to climb our trellis. It is honestly the stupidest, clumsiest, and most obnoxious way to get into The House. Last Spring, The Hilltop House tried this one and of course we kicked their sorry little asses...
I stationed Little Sis #1 in my room, which has a clear view of the trellis. A group of the quickest thinkers were stationed around the actual Charter itself. The Social Chair was leading that group and they hid behind sofas in the adjacent room, the grandfather clock, the closet we have under the stairs, and a strategically placed table that we moved in and covered with a cloth.
Another group was up on the roof and up on room balconies to tell us of any other movements and possible attempts to get into The House. We also had patrol groups stationed on each floor in case assistance would be needed. It may sound drastic, but raids are serious business and essentially it's all about strategy. I certainly don't want to have to run around The Row butt naked, nor do I intend on having The House's name sullied on my watch.
The Charter House boys started coming up the trellis and another group attempted to go through our garden to the rear of The House. The third and final group was stationed around outside, probably as lookouts for us.
We waited until the trellis climbers had fully made it onto the balconies and made their way through french doors we intentionally left open on the third floor. Then the ladies up on the roof started pelting paint-filled water balloons at the boys in the yard and also the lookouts who all promptly ran for cover. There's nothing like water balloons filled with paint to make a raid a little more interesting. The guys that had made it into The House were oblivious to the fact that their other groups had been taken down. The way Raids/Row Wars really work is that if you are covered in some kind of substance, you're essentially "dead" and out. The group in The House made their way down and systematically took framed pictures off the walls. My phone vibrated in my back pocket and it was a text from The Sorority Prodigy which confirmed their success on their task. I text back with instructions to start heading back and wait for lights and noise. I had been up on the third flood and quietly took the back stairs down to the ground floor and doubled back to the living room where I waited behind a door.
The boys were coming down the twin stairs and one of their phones went off with an annoying sound of a text message followed quickly by a whispered "SHIT!" Then I heard The Flirt whisper back, "why the fuck was that not on silent" The original voice said "Fuck! Ground Teams 1 and 2 were taken down. Just got the message." A nervous silence. It was beautiful. They were beginning to realize that something was up. I love this part. "If they're all on the roof, then they aren't here. Grab The Charter and run," one of them said. "Fuck. The Ground Team was supposed to bring the ladder."
At which point, I decided to walk out from behind the door and say, "Show's over, boys. You have failed in your mission" and promptly sprayed The Flirt and the two guys on either side of him with silly string. Girls then flooded out from where they were hiding and sprayed more silly string and threw glitter confetti on them. I think it was extra crap we had randomly leftover from last year that we dug out of some box. In any case, they were covered in silly string and confetti.
With all this noise, our front door swung open and The Sorority Prodigy stood there with The Charter House's Charter in her hands.
The look on The Flirt's face was priceless. And it's even more priceless because one of the girls got it on camera. I suppose it was all the more humiliating for them because they are the Alpha chapter of their fraternity.
Oh last night was a great night. It's already all over The Row that The House managed to steal The Charter House's Charter the same night that they tried to steal ours. Damn straight. You don't mess with The House and get away with it.
We (and by we, I mean I) haven't decided what we want to make them do yet... but I can assure you it WILL be good. Cheers to yet another successful raid and a successful defense!
I basically orchestrated The Second Task for the new pledges. It was time that I took a hand in planning some of the tasks. That and I need to exact my revenge on The Flirt... and what better way than through pledge bonding?
The Flirt had the nerve to hand the red thong I had given his little bro back to me in the middle of Monday Night Football and insinuate to everyone there that I had "forgotten it" there the night before.
I casually let it slip to The Flirt that The Pledges were going to go steal The Hilltop House's composite. I know he's been wanting to send The Charter House Pledges to raid The House and possibly steal some House paraphernalia - assorted trophies and plaques from various competitions we've won. I know that what he really wants is our Charter.
The Charter is nothing more than a symbolic and historic piece of paper which recognizes the particular Greek chapter as a local branch of whatever organization, fraternity or sorority. It's just a piece of paper, generally in a frame, but it is power. As tradition on The Row holds, steal a Chapter Charter and you can demand a request, any request, from them. It's the ultimate power play. As far as I know, no Charter has been stolen in recent memory... I heard that Barbie's Whorehouse had their Charter stolen several years ago and the repercussion was doing a lap around The Row stark naked.
I fully intend on never having The House Charter stolen.
As per Greek rules, The Charter must hang fully displayed. And so it is in The House... but seeing as there were no specifications as to where it is hung, we at The House have ours displayed on an outcrop from the wall about 30 feet in the air facing our twin stairs, but impossible to reach without a ladder. It sits in a niche essentially, probably originally intended for fake plants or useless decorative crap.
In any case, during this conversation with The Flirt, I also led him to believe that The House Actives would be away at an exchange with The Mansion... completely believable since several of us are dating several of them. You could practically see the cogwheels in his brain turning about how he would plan to steal The House Charter.
And last night the plan came together quite nicely. At about 10:30 last night, we sent The Pledges in the general direction of The Hilltop House. We in turn, turned off most of the lights and prepared for the raid.
I can't imagine why all the fraternities try to climb our trellis. It is honestly the stupidest, clumsiest, and most obnoxious way to get into The House. Last Spring, The Hilltop House tried this one and of course we kicked their sorry little asses...
I stationed Little Sis #1 in my room, which has a clear view of the trellis. A group of the quickest thinkers were stationed around the actual Charter itself. The Social Chair was leading that group and they hid behind sofas in the adjacent room, the grandfather clock, the closet we have under the stairs, and a strategically placed table that we moved in and covered with a cloth.
Another group was up on the roof and up on room balconies to tell us of any other movements and possible attempts to get into The House. We also had patrol groups stationed on each floor in case assistance would be needed. It may sound drastic, but raids are serious business and essentially it's all about strategy. I certainly don't want to have to run around The Row butt naked, nor do I intend on having The House's name sullied on my watch.
The Charter House boys started coming up the trellis and another group attempted to go through our garden to the rear of The House. The third and final group was stationed around outside, probably as lookouts for us.
We waited until the trellis climbers had fully made it onto the balconies and made their way through french doors we intentionally left open on the third floor. Then the ladies up on the roof started pelting paint-filled water balloons at the boys in the yard and also the lookouts who all promptly ran for cover. There's nothing like water balloons filled with paint to make a raid a little more interesting. The guys that had made it into The House were oblivious to the fact that their other groups had been taken down. The way Raids/Row Wars really work is that if you are covered in some kind of substance, you're essentially "dead" and out. The group in The House made their way down and systematically took framed pictures off the walls. My phone vibrated in my back pocket and it was a text from The Sorority Prodigy which confirmed their success on their task. I text back with instructions to start heading back and wait for lights and noise. I had been up on the third flood and quietly took the back stairs down to the ground floor and doubled back to the living room where I waited behind a door.
The boys were coming down the twin stairs and one of their phones went off with an annoying sound of a text message followed quickly by a whispered "SHIT!" Then I heard The Flirt whisper back, "why the fuck was that not on silent" The original voice said "Fuck! Ground Teams 1 and 2 were taken down. Just got the message." A nervous silence. It was beautiful. They were beginning to realize that something was up. I love this part. "If they're all on the roof, then they aren't here. Grab The Charter and run," one of them said. "Fuck. The Ground Team was supposed to bring the ladder."
At which point, I decided to walk out from behind the door and say, "Show's over, boys. You have failed in your mission" and promptly sprayed The Flirt and the two guys on either side of him with silly string. Girls then flooded out from where they were hiding and sprayed more silly string and threw glitter confetti on them. I think it was extra crap we had randomly leftover from last year that we dug out of some box. In any case, they were covered in silly string and confetti.
With all this noise, our front door swung open and The Sorority Prodigy stood there with The Charter House's Charter in her hands.
The look on The Flirt's face was priceless. And it's even more priceless because one of the girls got it on camera. I suppose it was all the more humiliating for them because they are the Alpha chapter of their fraternity.
Oh last night was a great night. It's already all over The Row that The House managed to steal The Charter House's Charter the same night that they tried to steal ours. Damn straight. You don't mess with The House and get away with it.
We (and by we, I mean I) haven't decided what we want to make them do yet... but I can assure you it WILL be good. Cheers to yet another successful raid and a successful defense!
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