Tequila Tuesday

Went out with some of the new pledges tonight and happened to run into some of the girls from Barbie's Whorehouse and I'm shocked by some of their new pledges.

As a rule, I'm extremely lenient with my judgments on pledges. Sometimes (though this should never be the case), awkward girls go through to "find friends" and they end up in a house because of Panhellenic rules with rush numbers or because that house just sucks at recruiting. Whatever. These girls should be given a chance to evolve into a well-groomed and poised sorority woman. However, I personally think (and this is why The House does so fucking well during rush) that we shouldn't have to fix women. This isn't some shitty makeover reality show that barely passes for television. I have to not only see these women on a daily basis, but be seen with them. And really at the end of the day, I want The House to be known as the hot house who is the best on the entire fucking Row.

But anyway, I really wonder what's the story with The Whorehouse's new pledges... after all they generally only take the extremely anorexic and/or girls who would do well in pornos... the well-endowed, flash-their-tits-at-parties, suck-on-lollipops-all-day-for-practice kind of girl ends up there. Yet I counted (at least in the group) no less than seven women who would definitely not fit their house profile. It's like they were the Seven Dwarfs from Snow White except that this time it was like the Seven Scaries... there was Squinty, Frizzy, Backne, Muffin Top, Greasy, Cankles, and The Bull.

Squinty had Urkel glasses and squinted even with the glasses. Who seriously wears glasses, let alone blatantly unflattering glasses when they go out? I wanted to ask her if she left her suspenders and pocket protector at home and do that annoying laugh that has been relegated to daytime television to fill in network hours while people are living their lives.

Frizzy was probably the most fixable of the bunch. She just had ridiculously frizzy and curly hair that screamed "I need product!" Seriously. The Social Chair warned me not to get too close or else the frizz would send out its tendrils to suck out mousse from my hair and eventually ensnare my entire head. Scary, but possibly true.

Backne is a sad problem that I too can sympathize with. However, I can't sympathize with the stupid girl who wears a halter top unnecessarily. If you have backne and whatever meds or creams or washes aren't working, cover up the disgusting pus-filled pimples by wearing a top that covers your back. Not to mention it was cold out so there was no need to wear a halter.

Muffin Top was also a failure at choosing her wardrobe. She wasn't even fat which is quite possibly the saddest part of the story. It's one thing if you're fat and clothes don't fit... it's quite another when you're not fat, yet you choose to wear pants which cut into you in such a way that it creates the illusion of fat. In fact, I think that is even more telling about you as a person. It means that a) you have no fashion sense b) you didn't look at a mirror before you left c) you don't care or d) all of the above.

Greasy had hair that looked like it hadn't been washed in weeks. From a distance, it looked like it just had way too much product in it (she and Frizzy should be friends), but upon closer examination... it wasn't product. It was grease. I wonder if on hot days, you could fry things in her hair...

Cankles was a true fat fat. She had massive cankles and she tried to cram her elephantine ass into a tiny mini. I was surprised she didn't blow a seam when she bent over to pick something off the floor.

And The Bull. The Bull was otherwise an attractive girl who seemed personable. Minus her decision to get a nose piercing through the middle of her nose and then follow up that decision by wearing a ring in it. Like a bull does. What statement is she trying to make?! That she was some sexy matador to tame her??

Although to entirely fair, I feel like there's some back story here. Obviously something must have gone wrong with their recruitment or else there would be this collection of Awkwards and Fuglies. I should grill The Porn Star from Barbie's Whorehouse about it... we're mildly friends since we're both show up for the group spin and yoga classes at the gym.