Let's play that wonderful game of... Which is worse?

Being followed and harassed by a fat old man in a speedo or being followed and harassed by the Girls Gone Wild film crew?

Lucky me... both happened.

Speedo Fatso occurred earlier in the day while I was laying out by the pool and sipping a mai tai. He decided it would be a great time to block me from the sun and show me his pinky ring collection. Ugh. Fat old men should not wear speedos. That was like mental scarring for life. And totally reveals that men can and DO have cellulite. Really really disgusting cellulite. That makes them look like fat old women. And Speedo Fatso decided to bring me a drink. Yeah right, fuck that. I'm not letting a guy a quarter his age date rape me let alone Mr. Cradle Robber in broad daylight.

And of course once it was clear that castration would be my next step, he moved on to The Rich Bitch. Haha gotta love that she bought pepper spray this morning before we went out and whipped it out. Sent his fat ass jiggling off into the horizon.

And what is spring break without the sleezeball film guys from Girls Gone Wild hitting on you and trying to get you to flash the camera for their super sorority special just to lead their way to an easy paycheck. Fuck that. You show your goods on camera and you can kiss the future rich hubby goodbye. It's like you learn in econ... keep things in short supply, and they're worth more. So, ideally, you don't show your goods to anyone except the guy you decide to ensnare and then he better be ready to pay through the nose. I mean, is he going to pay once he knows he can order you via phone or internet? I don't think so.

Besides, why should assholes with a camera try and ply me with drinks in a desperate attempt to pay their bills? If they wanted real money, they wouldn't be cowards holding a camera, they'd be out doing hardcore Chippendale's shit and the Thunder Down Under in Vegas. Then again, those cameraboys are probably just that... boys... and their boyhoods are probably smaller than snap peas. And that's just sad. I wouldn't pay to see that.

Thank God The Guitar Hero is flying here in two days to join our little gang for the rest of spring break. And thank goodness he's well endowed... in more ways than one.

There's no break like SPRING Break

What is it about spring break that makes you want to away to a trashy bar in a tropical locale and flash someone while screaming "SPRING BREAAAAK!!!!"?

I swear last year, my non-Greek friend from high school, The Rich Bitch, took us to her family's vacation home in the Hamptons for Spring Break and despite the luxury and free alcohol... it was not spring break done right. You can't exactly do belly shots on someone's chaise longue. And the cabana boy imported from South America is tackily out of place.

This year we're doing spring break right.

It was gloriously sunny all day when we did the beach thing, attracting lots of hotties while laying out with cocktails. This was all followed up by a wet t-shirt contest. And now we're all getting ready to go out to hit up the bars.

More updates as they come...

I love saying "I told you so"

Frat boys are so stupid. So there's this guy, The Inker, at Hilltop House... the boy has sleeves documenting his poor taste in choosing tattoos while drunk. And other assorted more exotic locations south of the border.

Well he was at it again this weekend... I saw him wasted on Friday and he asked me what I thought of his idea. I pretty much said it was probably not smart. He disappeared and apparently got a tattoo commemorating his love to this girl he really likes and hooks up with quite a bit. Apparently he's not phased with having this girl's name on his body glaring at his future wife. But yes so his brilliant idea... was to get a tattoo of a guy getting a tattoo that said "I love (insert girl's initials here)".

First off... how unnecessarily stupid. Why not scrub the middle man and just get the message? It'd be cheaper too since it'd be less labor intensive... but I swear The Inker treats his tats like designer clothing. I suppose in a way it is designer body art, but seriously his idea was just impractical. Especially since the message was going to be one that wasn't particularly meaningful.

Actually it would still have been fine... maybe even a little cool because it was a tattoo within a tattoo... kind of like Hamlet's play within a play (damn you Upper division Shakespearean Tragedies!) but he failed to take into account the initials of the girl he's dating. That's right... his tattoo of a guy getting a tattoo now reads "I love STD". I actually don't know who to feel more sorry for... The Inker... or the girl since STD really is such a horrible set of initials. What the hell were her parents thinking??

Anyway, The Inker didn't notice until I asked him about it today. That was sad. Granted he was drunk when he got inked... but for 3 days he didn't notice. And now he's forever going to have I <3 STD on his body, effectively blowing to pieces his chance of ever getting ass ever again.

Hahaha... it's mean but it's funny for me. Extremely funny.

Because I told him so. And because this is what happens when you make decisions when extremely drunk.

It's not juicy if it's not on Juicy Campus

It's been quiet lately on The Row. A bunch of frats got nailed one night when the cops decided to crack down on parties. It's been a dry last couple of weeks.

Plus date party is more of a classed up event... well for all the normal people, there isn't drunken craziness as much as during invitationals. Some people do though... which leads to amusing stories the next morning... and with the advent of juicycampus.com, interesting tales that are spun out of proportion through the online community.

Sororobrats are such bitches. They make up shit on juicycampus which is retarded because normal, sane people don't believe any of that shit. Haha and my favorites are the gems that are like "Daryl from The Cave is a sex GOD"... because likely, "Daryl" posted that shit himself.

That site is amusing as long as you aren't named out on it... which thus far, while there have been allusions to me, there haven't been any actual posts. And then there was a post about The Stripper in The Slut House... everyone knew that she was a stripper as a night job, but apparently someone posted it on juicycampus and now it's everywhere. Apparently her professors found out and called her in to "have a talk". Which sucks. But apparently business has really picked up for her so good for her? She's actually really nice, I've met her a couple of times at parties. She doesn't even really come across as a stripper, but hey... way to pay for school. I've always thought about coyote uglying it myself. Who knows? Maybe I'll be the next phenom on juicycampus.

In the meantime, there's St. Paddy's Day drinking to be concerned with.

Sunny with a Chance of Flashing

Some people are just incredibly amusing. Or stupid. And quite often, it's a glorious mix of both.

It was sunny but pretty frigid all day and when I left this morning for class, there was a thin layer of ice pretty much coating everything. So I wore weather appropriate clothing... jeans, Uggs, sweater, scarf.

Some did not choose to wear weather appropriate clothing. And the result was pretty amusing.

I don't even know if this girl is in a house, she wasn't sporting any letters and I didn't recognize her, but she wore a miniskirt and Uggs and a sweatshirt. Impractical, of course... who wears a miniskirt out in the low thirties?

In any case, she slipped on a patch of ice and went flying and basically flashed the world. Probably a frat boy's dream... but I didn't see any around since this was on the path back towards the residences. And let me tell you, did she have a cottage cheese ass. She slipped a few more times that I could see before I turned to go to The Row. Poor girl. I would pity her... except she decided to make bad clothing choices.

They say to be thankful everyday for something...

I am thankful that I do not have a cottage cheese ass. And that I don't wear miniskirts into the cold.

Midterm Season is like Death

Just finished a round of midterms... good lord that sucked. Especially with all of this house drama going on at the same time. The gossip about The Guitar Hero and The Ex circulated for a while and died as it always does. And I found out who let in The Ex to begin with... it was The Girl with Triangle Hair... I hate her on so many levels. Other than the fact that she has the most annoying personality, she doesn't do a thing about her hair. It's just frizzy and a giant bush every single time I see her. And that simpering girl thinks that everyone just loves her even though the only reason she got in was because her big sis (also an Awkward) bid promised her when she went through... honest to god I hate that... perpetuation of legacies.

I've fully ostracized her this week, as have many in The House. She deserves it for letting The Ex in. I really wonder what motivates her to stay, so many people dislike her and do their best not to talk to her. Honestly... sometimes I just want to dump product in her hair. And the fact that she's just entirely embarrassing at the fraternities.

In other news, how awkward is it to run into a TA at a fraternity party? And then get hit on them by them? I was at The Mansion on Friday for their annual Hef Party and I get a tap on the shoulder and it was my TA from Generic Upper Division Poli Sci last semester... granted it was a hot TA... apparently he was a bro at The Mansion fraternity at a different chapter and decided to check it out here. And then he proceeded to hit on me. Flattering, I guess. He was decently attractive... but The Guitar Hero spotted me and decided right then to come over and be all protective.