List parties and Pledges

Last night was the battle of the list parties... The Mansion vs. The Charter House. They're both known for their raging parties and everyone always wants to be on the list for them. They attract a lot of the same demographic and so it was interesting to see the bitterness build up between the two frats all week. They all came by and made announcements and at The House, they happened to make the announcement one right after the other and there was noticeable tension.

Anyway, it's standard practice for sorority girls to go to their boyfriends' frats' parties and stay there... but The Flirt decided to blackmail me by telling me that unless I showed up at his party, he wouldn't give me lab notes for the day I missed last week... ironically thanks to sleeping over at The Guitar Hero's the night before and not waking up in time for class the next morning.

I showed up at The Mansion first and hung out while The Guitar Hero was telling the new pledges what was expected from them in terms of party etiquette, bartending, and whatnot. The party got started and The Guitar Hero went upstairs to make sure the doors to all the wings of the house were locked while I waited downstairs by the bar. One of the pledges came by to offer me a drink. I hadn't met this new class yet and I haven't been around much lately for them to know who I am so he unsuspectingly started to flirt with me. He was decently cute so I pushed his pledge pin to pass the time and to force him to do something embarrassing... which in the Mansion's case is to get down on one knee, offer a compliment, and recite a poem that the older brothers make up. This pledge decided to go with the ever generic "You have a beautiful smile" as his compliment and before he could get to the poem, The Guitar Hero walked in and immediately said "That was a half-assed piece of shit compliment. Come up with a better one and do it again." The pledge then went with "You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen." The Guitar Hero said, "That's better" while putting his arm around my waist and then added, "Too bad she's my girlfriend. Haha poor pledges... attempting to get with older women. I saw the same one go hit on The Pageant Princess later.

I stopped by The Charter House's list party and The Flirt tried his hardest to keep me there but I promised to go back to The Mansion's party. I do have to say The Charter House's party was loud and worth the visit... especially since none of the guys there associate me as taboo (unlike most of the guys at The Mansion) and they are HOT. The Pageant Princess decided to stay there and I ended up going back to The Mansion by myself to face a bitter Guitar Hero who was mad that I left in the first place. Some idiotic Barbie's Whorehouse new pledge was flirting heavily with him so I said "Excuse me", nudged her out of the way and pulled him in for a hot and heavy kiss. Freshmen pledges. Honestly don't know who the fuck they're dealing with. I can outflirt them any day of the week and I'm damn good at it. But, I was feeling somewhat benevolent and also scheming to get rid of her so I sent the pledge that hit on me earlier her way. They were happily all over each other in a corner a little while later. Fixing up couples and eliminating the annoyances. All in a day's work.

Granted, I can already tell what's going to happen. They sleep together. He doesn't recall any of it (including her name) and doesn't respond her calls/texts/facebook messages. She gets all hurt about it, cries a bunch, then gets over it the next weekend with another hookup. The young ones just don't understand that if you hook up, it's a one time thing that's just meant to satisfy the desperate and current urge and nothing more. Seriously, girls gain some self-control, invest in a good vibrator or a steady boyfriend, or be fine with hooking up left and right with no further agenda... and stop crying to me about it because I've heard and seen the same damn story too many times. It's like that part of the horror movie where everyone is screaming "don't go in there" and of course the leading lady goes in there. Half-naked, no less.

The Joint Task Revealed

The Mansion pledges and The House pledges received their joint task last night. The only fault about doing things with only one other fraternity is that inevitably, the sorority always outnumbers the fraternity. Even though we are a pretty Greek school... it's just the way it works. Girls who lucked out were paired with a pledge and the rest were given one hour to find a guy who would complete their task with them. I was proud as every girl who had to find a guy did. Most were friends and we had a few boyfriends and other Greek men in the mix. The Pledge Mom had a little fun making the assignments and paired The Sorority Prodigy with The Guitar Hero's newest little bro, Bloodhound. Don't ask me why they call him that... that's his pledge nickname so I have no idea.

Their task is to learn a ballroom dance by Saturday, when they will perform it for both houses. The pairs all drew dances out of a hat - foxtrot, waltz, tango, or paso doble. Hahaha then we told them that unless they passed the task, they wouldn't be initiated. Always a fun threat that nobody ever actually follows through on. The Social Chair was brilliant for thinking this task up since it requires The Pledges to learn something about social interaction. And pick up at least one kind of classy partner dance that doesn't involve gyrations and simulated sex on a dance floor, great for invites and parties... not so great for respectable functions, date and dinner parties. We had some opposition in The House from some members, including The Vice President of Development, who thought that this task was going to be a waste of time and not be entertaining for the actives. I backed The Social Chair and commented on how ironic it was that this task could be seen as a form of self-improvement and learning a new skill and yet the VP Development herself was against it. Not to mention that this should keep everyone entertained since it's our own version of So You Think You Can Dance. That won out the vote. Girls in The House are addicted to that show... quite possibly even more so than The Dancers... oh the ironies.

Welcome to HELL!!!

Hell Week for our newest class has begun. This should be a good week. The pledges moved into the living room last night to facilitate the organization of events. Their tasks thus far have been relatively tame. It won’t get much more difficult, but it will be interesting. There will be a few late night awakenings and a joint task with The Mansion’s pledges. To start things off, last night there was a midmorning awakening at about 3AM which involved taking flaming shots of Bacardi 151 with their Big Sis’s and taking The Loyalty Oath that rituals would not be revealed. I imagine some of the pledges are still drunk if not hungover from that activity. Thank god I have always been able to hold my liquor. Same with The Sorority Prodigy. I was pleased. That’s the great thing about growing up with brothers and in a Greek family... you learn to drink early on. Granted I also made her take some vitamins and chug something with electrolytes before getting back to bed so I imagine both of us are more chipper than others.

In other news, Thanksgiving was such an ordeal. The Nana glared at me through most of cocktails and dinner. Although, cocktails definitely facilitated the process of dealing with relatives. The Older Brother was distant because someone in the family had told him about the date auction date between The Wine Heir and myself. Not to mention he FINALLY broke up with his girlfriend. Or she broke up with him. It’s not entirely clear but I’m guessing it’s the latter because he seems unusually morose. I felt almost a little bad, but The Older Brother I’m sure will be back to his erratic dating antics before long. He’s like The Flirt in that sense. And as if that wasn’t enough drama for the weekend, The Guitar Hero kept drunk calling me and wanting to talk about us. Why the hell are guys such girls? I had a long conversation with The Sorority Prodigy about it after one of these drunken episodes and she was saying how he’s being stupid and unnecessarily jealous. He really is and it’s a major turn off.

Black Friday shopping was pretty successful though. It was extremely sororitay in the sense that The Sorority Prodigy’s mother called The Mother and all four of us went on a shopping trip together. I got some new dresses, a new bag, and assorted accessories. The Older Brother, The Younger Brother, and The Guitar Hero decided to do the whole camp out for assorted video gaming systems thing. It was all about family bonding shit.

Although, the redeeming quality about family gatherings is that I hear lots of great Greek stories. Among them came the “urban legend” sorority hazing incident that everyone hears about yet it's so ludicrous that everyone hopes that it's not true… the one involving girls stripping down to underwear and a fraternity coming with magic marker and marking any imperfections. This actually happened at The Cool Aunt’s sorority one year. Apparently they had elected this crazy Pledge Mom who was on like fucking medication so she did all kinds of psychological shit like that. I believe it. The Cool Aunt has never been one to lie. But why the hell would the girls ever let fraternity boys do the marking? Of course every guy is going to think that there’s not enough in the ass or the boobs unless some girl is of pornographic proportions. It’s incredibly unrealistic and stupid. And any girl who knows anything about boys would know that.

Luckily, we at The House have better hazing rituals that are less crass. This week should be good.

Don't Faze Me, Bro!

It's Faze Day. All Greek Day of Fake Hazing. Something stupid the Advisors and The Administration and PHC and IFC came up with where every year we have this one day to "healthily engage in bonding activities". All events have to be pre-approved by the aforementioned parties and there are all this liability waiver shit that both Actives and Pledges sign saying that all parties acknowledge that a Pledge can stop at any time without repercussion... lots of annoying legal jargon... etc.

It is a decently fun day I guess and always a good one to see what everyone around The Row is doing to their pledges.

Last year, The Mansion's pledges served us "breakfast in bed". That was actually not my favorite... nor was it popular with a lot of girls just because we had to get up ridiculously early, clean our rooms, look cute, and then pretend to be "in bed". We told them not to do that this year for all of our sakes since we enjoy sleeping in post Friday night parties. They always make their pledges do something for us. We've got an informal Brother/Sister pairing up between our respective organizations even though that's generally not kosher. It just happened that way since so many of us happen to be dating so many of them.

Our pledges are playing in a soccer game against The Sorority Wannabe Pledges and that should be a piece of cake (slight pun intended). Considering how much of a huge joke that is. The Sorority Wannabes don't stand a chance. I imagine most of them have never set foot on a soccer field.

I imagine The Charter House will have something up their sleeve as well.

All in all, this should be a decently fun day what with the All Greek barbecue and all the assorted fake hazing "bonding" tasks. At least there is one guarantee for the pledges... that nobody's going to haze them tonight since The Advisors, The Administrators, and PHC/IFC will be on the look out for real hazing tonight and most houses are smart enough not to haze the night directly following a day of fake hazing in which all active members get an hour long presentation on the dangers and ills of real hazing. And get reminded that there will be "patrols" and that there's a Hazing Hotline. Dumbest thing in the world, but in the PHC/IFC and the Dean's offices, there is a phone line dedicated to reporting hazing. What a waste of a perfectly decent phone line!

Midnight Raids and Broken Pumpkins

I woke up this morning and looked out from the balcony to find all of our patio tables stacked 3 high with the lounge chairs forming bridges between the two structures. At the top of two structures were "flagpoles" shoved into the holes where umbrellas should have gone and the flags... two pairs of boxers fluttering in the breeze.

Obviously a fraternity's doing... the only question is which one? The most likely culprits are always The Charter House and possibly The Hilltop House... The Charter House because we still have their Charter and Hilltop House is always trying to raid us.

We don't really care too much though because The Mansion offered us their pledges to take down the tables and chairs and arrange them properly again. So nice of them.

I can't wait until tomorrow. There are going to be raging parties tomorrow night and I've got a hot costume. The only unfortunate thing about Halloween is that the streets are littered with smashed pumpkins. On the plus side, it's cold enough now that there aren't too many flies around the broken chunks. But they'll start to smell soon. I don't know what possesses guys to want to break pumpkins all over the place. I imagine I'll see pledges picking up pieces of broken pumpkin before the day is over.

The Second Task with a spoonful of sweet revenge

It's that time of year again when the fraternity men send their pledges on missions to raid our house and we in turn send our pledges over there to toy with them.

I basically orchestrated The Second Task for the new pledges. It was time that I took a hand in planning some of the tasks. That and I need to exact my revenge on The Flirt... and what better way than through pledge bonding?

The Flirt had the nerve to hand the red thong I had given his little bro back to me in the middle of Monday Night Football and insinuate to everyone there that I had "forgotten it" there the night before.

I casually let it slip to The Flirt that The Pledges were going to go steal The Hilltop House's composite. I know he's been wanting to send The Charter House Pledges to raid The House and possibly steal some House paraphernalia - assorted trophies and plaques from various competitions we've won. I know that what he really wants is our Charter.

The Charter is nothing more than a symbolic and historic piece of paper which recognizes the particular Greek chapter as a local branch of whatever organization, fraternity or sorority. It's just a piece of paper, generally in a frame, but it is power. As tradition on The Row holds, steal a Chapter Charter and you can demand a request, any request, from them. It's the ultimate power play. As far as I know, no Charter has been stolen in recent memory... I heard that Barbie's Whorehouse had their Charter stolen several years ago and the repercussion was doing a lap around The Row stark naked.

I fully intend on never having The House Charter stolen.

As per Greek rules, The Charter must hang fully displayed. And so it is in The House... but seeing as there were no specifications as to where it is hung, we at The House have ours displayed on an outcrop from the wall about 30 feet in the air facing our twin stairs, but impossible to reach without a ladder. It sits in a niche essentially, probably originally intended for fake plants or useless decorative crap.

In any case, during this conversation with The Flirt, I also led him to believe that The House Actives would be away at an exchange with The Mansion... completely believable since several of us are dating several of them. You could practically see the cogwheels in his brain turning about how he would plan to steal The House Charter.

And last night the plan came together quite nicely. At about 10:30 last night, we sent The Pledges in the general direction of The Hilltop House. We in turn, turned off most of the lights and prepared for the raid.

I can't imagine why all the fraternities try to climb our trellis. It is honestly the stupidest, clumsiest, and most obnoxious way to get into The House. Last Spring, The Hilltop House tried this one and of course we kicked their sorry little asses...

I stationed Little Sis #1 in my room, which has a clear view of the trellis. A group of the quickest thinkers were stationed around the actual Charter itself. The Social Chair was leading that group and they hid behind sofas in the adjacent room, the grandfather clock, the closet we have under the stairs, and a strategically placed table that we moved in and covered with a cloth.

Another group was up on the roof and up on room balconies to tell us of any other movements and possible attempts to get into The House. We also had patrol groups stationed on each floor in case assistance would be needed. It may sound drastic, but raids are serious business and essentially it's all about strategy. I certainly don't want to have to run around The Row butt naked, nor do I intend on having The House's name sullied on my watch.

The Charter House boys started coming up the trellis and another group attempted to go through our garden to the rear of The House. The third and final group was stationed around outside, probably as lookouts for us.

We waited until the trellis climbers had fully made it onto the balconies and made their way through french doors we intentionally left open on the third floor. Then the ladies up on the roof started pelting paint-filled water balloons at the boys in the yard and also the lookouts who all promptly ran for cover. There's nothing like water balloons filled with paint to make a raid a little more interesting. The guys that had made it into The House were oblivious to the fact that their other groups had been taken down. The way Raids/Row Wars really work is that if you are covered in some kind of substance, you're essentially "dead" and out. The group in The House made their way down and systematically took framed pictures off the walls. My phone vibrated in my back pocket and it was a text from The Sorority Prodigy which confirmed their success on their task. I text back with instructions to start heading back and wait for lights and noise. I had been up on the third flood and quietly took the back stairs down to the ground floor and doubled back to the living room where I waited behind a door.

The boys were coming down the twin stairs and one of their phones went off with an annoying sound of a text message followed quickly by a whispered "SHIT!" Then I heard The Flirt whisper back, "why the fuck was that not on silent" The original voice said "Fuck! Ground Teams 1 and 2 were taken down. Just got the message." A nervous silence. It was beautiful. They were beginning to realize that something was up. I love this part. "If they're all on the roof, then they aren't here. Grab The Charter and run," one of them said. "Fuck. The Ground Team was supposed to bring the ladder."

At which point, I decided to walk out from behind the door and say, "Show's over, boys. You have failed in your mission" and promptly sprayed The Flirt and the two guys on either side of him with silly string. Girls then flooded out from where they were hiding and sprayed more silly string and threw glitter confetti on them. I think it was extra crap we had randomly leftover from last year that we dug out of some box. In any case, they were covered in silly string and confetti.

With all this noise, our front door swung open and The Sorority Prodigy stood there with The Charter House's Charter in her hands.

The look on The Flirt's face was priceless. And it's even more priceless because one of the girls got it on camera. I suppose it was all the more humiliating for them because they are the Alpha chapter of their fraternity.

Oh last night was a great night. It's already all over The Row that The House managed to steal The Charter House's Charter the same night that they tried to steal ours. Damn straight. You don't mess with The House and get away with it.

We (and by we, I mean I) haven't decided what we want to make them do yet... but I can assure you it WILL be good. Cheers to yet another successful raid and a successful defense!

The First Test

So the new babies were subjected to their very first test due tonight. We had an interesting mix of results.

Their first task was to get something from a fraternity man - a completely easy assignment. The Pledge Mom made it really simple too... my pledge year, we had to retrieve an item of clothing or something else extremely personal which clearly identified from whom it was taken. This year, it was literally anything. Of course, the members who brought the most interesting item are the ones who garner the most attention.

The Pageant Queen pledge brought in her boyfriend's fraternity pin... I'm guessing she'll be pinned soon which would be fun. I could do with a pinning ceremony or two this semester. It wasn't the most interesting object but it was appropriately sororitaaaay.

The Sorority Prodigy managed to get The Swimmer from Charter House's Speedo. I am so proud of her. That was like the best thing ever when she pulled it out. Apparently she went over and coerced The Prep to talk to The Swimmer and convince him to let her have it for the night.

Some other objects that were brought in were car keys, a credit card, a pair of boxers, etc.

Similarly, the pledges over at The Charter House were sent on a mission to get pieces of lingerie from sorority women. They already got their little bros and The Flirt's little bro came and found me and since he's a first year turned bright red and mumbled that The Flirt told him to get something of mine or else there would be punishment. What a cocky bastard... sending his poor little bro to get a piece of lingerie from me? Can't even be a man and come get it on his own. Whatever, not like The Flirt would get whatever I gave his little bro, so I picked out a silky red thong and sent him on his way. He was decently cute too... I should insinuate that to The Flirt sometime for payback.

This weekend should be fun though... lots of parties.

Tequila Tuesday

Went out with some of the new pledges tonight and happened to run into some of the girls from Barbie's Whorehouse and I'm shocked by some of their new pledges.

As a rule, I'm extremely lenient with my judgments on pledges. Sometimes (though this should never be the case), awkward girls go through to "find friends" and they end up in a house because of Panhellenic rules with rush numbers or because that house just sucks at recruiting. Whatever. These girls should be given a chance to evolve into a well-groomed and poised sorority woman. However, I personally think (and this is why The House does so fucking well during rush) that we shouldn't have to fix women. This isn't some shitty makeover reality show that barely passes for television. I have to not only see these women on a daily basis, but be seen with them. And really at the end of the day, I want The House to be known as the hot house who is the best on the entire fucking Row.

But anyway, I really wonder what's the story with The Whorehouse's new pledges... after all they generally only take the extremely anorexic and/or girls who would do well in pornos... the well-endowed, flash-their-tits-at-parties, suck-on-lollipops-all-day-for-practice kind of girl ends up there. Yet I counted (at least in the group) no less than seven women who would definitely not fit their house profile. It's like they were the Seven Dwarfs from Snow White except that this time it was like the Seven Scaries... there was Squinty, Frizzy, Backne, Muffin Top, Greasy, Cankles, and The Bull.

Squinty had Urkel glasses and squinted even with the glasses. Who seriously wears glasses, let alone blatantly unflattering glasses when they go out? I wanted to ask her if she left her suspenders and pocket protector at home and do that annoying laugh that has been relegated to daytime television to fill in network hours while people are living their lives.

Frizzy was probably the most fixable of the bunch. She just had ridiculously frizzy and curly hair that screamed "I need product!" Seriously. The Social Chair warned me not to get too close or else the frizz would send out its tendrils to suck out mousse from my hair and eventually ensnare my entire head. Scary, but possibly true.

Backne is a sad problem that I too can sympathize with. However, I can't sympathize with the stupid girl who wears a halter top unnecessarily. If you have backne and whatever meds or creams or washes aren't working, cover up the disgusting pus-filled pimples by wearing a top that covers your back. Not to mention it was cold out so there was no need to wear a halter.

Muffin Top was also a failure at choosing her wardrobe. She wasn't even fat which is quite possibly the saddest part of the story. It's one thing if you're fat and clothes don't fit... it's quite another when you're not fat, yet you choose to wear pants which cut into you in such a way that it creates the illusion of fat. In fact, I think that is even more telling about you as a person. It means that a) you have no fashion sense b) you didn't look at a mirror before you left c) you don't care or d) all of the above.

Greasy had hair that looked like it hadn't been washed in weeks. From a distance, it looked like it just had way too much product in it (she and Frizzy should be friends), but upon closer examination... it wasn't product. It was grease. I wonder if on hot days, you could fry things in her hair...

Cankles was a true fat fat. She had massive cankles and she tried to cram her elephantine ass into a tiny mini. I was surprised she didn't blow a seam when she bent over to pick something off the floor.

And The Bull. The Bull was otherwise an attractive girl who seemed personable. Minus her decision to get a nose piercing through the middle of her nose and then follow up that decision by wearing a ring in it. Like a bull does. What statement is she trying to make?! That she was some sexy matador to tame her??

Although to entirely fair, I feel like there's some back story here. Obviously something must have gone wrong with their recruitment or else there would be this collection of Awkwards and Fuglies. I should grill The Porn Star from Barbie's Whorehouse about it... we're mildly friends since we're both show up for the group spin and yoga classes at the gym.