I am not a whore... but I like to do it.

Celebrity gossip is addicting and act as excellent conversation pieces during awkward silences at parties. Gossip on The Row is also addicting, but becomes the conversation piece that creates awkward silences at parties.

How is it that the socially awkward are either a) nymphomaniacs as a result of their social exclusion or b) judgmental prudes??

Apparently when The Resident was over last week and we were engaging in some fun in my bed for once, one of the socially awkward members from our newest pledge class decided to come and talk to me about being on Panhellenic. There are so many things wrong with that sentence. I would NEVER endorse her for Panhellenic. Supposedly, she heard us going at it and has since been spreading it around to everyone. What a bitch. We weren't even being loud... I asked Little #2 who lives next door and she said she heard nothing. I imagine what happened instead was that she was talking to Miss Socially Awkward (her big sis), who saw The Resident come into my room earlier and then put it together when she tried to come in and the door was locked.

Miss Socially Awkward herself makes poor sexual decisions and is often seen making the walk of shame following a night of being spotted sucking face with some equally awkward boy... usually a freshman. Yet, you never hear this shit coming from her bitchy and judgmental prudish little. Queen Prude instead decides to launch an attack on me and has been systematically spreading it around to everyone that I am a whore. Then last night, as I arrived at The Charter House annual HO HO HO Party, everything turned to whispers and glances in my direction. Then The Flirt came and told me what he had heard and whether or not it was true... of course like any good rumor, this got twisted around so by the time it got to him, the gossip turned into me having a threesome with two of The Row's whoriest girls in a fraternity's basement, which is a ridiculous absurdity all on its own. First of all, if I were in a threesome, it would be with two other guys, NOT two other girls. Second: I would not be caught dead having sex in a fraternity basement.

Of course, I traced it to Queen Prudy because she stupidly made it her story in a pathetic and desperate attempt to raise her own social status and as soon as she made an appearance at The House for lunch, I bitched her out in front of everyone. She didn't know what was coming to her. Of course after I called her out on it, Miss Socially Awkward felt obligated to butt her fat ass into the conversation in defense of her little, at which point I asked her if she would like to share with everyone the story behind her most recent walk of shame. She turned about 15 shades of red and walked away as Queen Prudy stared open-mouthed in shock. Amazing how some little sisters can be so oblivious to their bigs' extracurricular activities.

In any case, I've been doing damage control. For the most part, this has blown over and once everyone discovered the source to be Queen Prudy, they all dismissed it. Still, The Row is full of sorority girls who jump at the opportunity for interesting pieces of gossip so I imagine this will linger for some time... especially since everyone knew me as part of Panhell. For some reason, once you're on Panhell and everyone knows your name, that makes rumors about you worth just that much more.

Socially awkward prudes should never join sororities. Of course, they somehow manage to perpetuate themselves and survive like fucking cockroaches through nuclear war. Honestly, I wonder if this prudy breed of the socially awkward are just uptight bitches just because they've never had sex. If they did or at least did properly, they wouldn't walk around all day like they had a corkscrew up their asses. Maybe that's it. They're trying to preserve their technical purity or whatever and just consent to anal.

I could take the so-called "high road" and "forget" this incident... but where's the fun in that. Besides, I subscribe to the belief that luck is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration. Bitch picked the wrong person to mess with. This is so not over.

A shotful of vodka helps the medicine go down.

Honestly some weeks I just get too busy to post... the last couple of weeks being the perfect example. Although there were some interesting highlights.

The Wine Heir flew us out to his family's vineyard for a weekend for our "date". It was charming and he definitely did impress. I think he wanted to emphasize the point that he has a bigger lot in life than The Guitar Hero. Nothing happened if any of you thought that I was going to be a sorority slut. Granted he kept plying me with wine and other assorted drinks. Between the two of us, a few bottles of Merlot and Cabernet disappeared and I had a pretty gross wine hangover the next morning. Damn sulfates. I nursed it with a baby bottle of Grey Goose tipped into tomato juice on the flight back.

The Wine Heir didn't hint at all at breaking The Guitar Hero and I up but of course that was his plan. I got back to my room in The House to find the largest bouquet of flowers I've ever seen and a box from Tiffany's. The Guitar Hero is being a big baby about it all... probably because he's insecure and it's annoying the hell out of me. Even The Sorority Prodigy told him to stop being such a baby and back off. His little jealous streak was cute at first and now it's just getting a little annoying. This is why being single is better than being tied down. We've had a rocky few weeks and I'm thinking about breaking it off just because it's getting to that point where I'm not having fun. He's just being whiny and depressed. The other day I was walking by The Mansion and he was blasting the most depressing country music in existence.

In other news, The House had our Big/Lil week during which I spent exorbitant amounts of time and money on The Sorority Prodigy. It's tradition in our line to get a Tiffany's letter charm so that was a part of it. Not to mention taking her out to dinner practically every night and sending her surprise flowers. Then I had to make Littles #1 and #2 feel better and not jealous so I spent time and money there too. Such a balance act... I've definitely gone on a lot of coffee/dessert dates these past two weeks.

And of course, The Row highlights. Most fraternities are heading into their respective Hell Weeks so there have been more interesting things to wake up to. The Dancers had the metal Greek letters on their house inverted... obviously the doing of fraternity pledges. Apparently they climbed up on ladders and unscrewed the letters and then rescrewed them in upside down. And then The Sorority Wannabe house... I feel a little bad that they didn't realize the prank that was played on them. Honestly they're not real sorority girls. They just like to think they are. But in any case, there are a number of Fat Fats and Awkwards in that house and so someone (maybe not even a fraternity is the speculation) left them a huge basket of Twinkies and other assorted processed foods. And the piece de resistance was a stuffed pig in the middle of the basket. Honestly how could the message be more clear?? They actually took it in and spammed the all Greek mailing list that they loved it. And they weren't doing the whole "be a bigger person" deal... they actually believed it. Oh well... at least they're all in the same house and not dispersed through The Real Row Sororities. I don't think I could handle anyone that slow in The House.

I remember now why advisors are a major pain in the ass...

Ironic isn't it? Advisors are supposed to be there to help you... to ADVISE you... not to make your life more difficult.

Honestly, the thing they're "advising" us on is such bull too. According to them, Panhellenic is encouraging a blanket ban on terms like "rush", "party", and "frat" and that instead, we should be replacing them with "recruitment", "event", and "fraternity". Do you know how ridiculously idiotic this all is?

First off... OUR Panhellenic doesn't give a rat's ass about what words we use... they've never said anything to us mostly because they think it's bull too. Just because you change the name of something doesn't mean it suddenly makes some preconceived social stereotype about the Greek system go away. And now all of a sudden our advisors come telling us that we need to change the way we talk about RUSH. Yeah well fuck that. I'm going to keep calling it Rush. Because that's the way it should be. Parties will always be parties and frats will always be frats.

For once The House is united on this issue. Even Miss Socially Awkward thinks this is complete crap and she usually sides with our advisors on their stupid ideas. And believe you me, they're full of them. I've come to the conclusion that while we can have really cool alums, even famous alums like A-List Actress, volunteers like advisors and such are virtually all comprised of Past Awkwards who have decided they want to wreak havoc on college life for all of the rest of us. And because they have nothing else going on in their lives now because they are all Awkward. Still. Seriously, the three main Chapter Advisors live together with cats. I'm not even making that up, they're the Crazy Cat Ladies. For the most part, they let us alone, but there are always a few times during the year when they come drive us crazy... generally during Fall Semester... no wonder I hate fall so much. They're here during RUSH, Alum events and sometimes during HELL WEEK for the PLEDGES to make sure we're not making them stand in a closet holding up gallons of milk or some stupid shit like that that FRATS do.

So many politically incorrect terms, so little time to use them.

I love being on The Rush Board

I love that I have power. Too bad I don't have ultimate power... or else I would have Miss Socially Awkward deported. Or force her to take elocution classes on how to be a normal person.

BUT the good news is that in all of her efforts in taking me to The Judicial Committee and The Student Affairs Court... is that I reversed that shit on her!!! Unsisterly behavior and an attempt to PREVENT someone from going through Formal Rush... nobody's actually ever tried that one before so now Miss Socially Awkward is on the docket for J-Comm's final meeting on two charges. I almost wish we had shitty rooms in this house like at The House's chapter at the state school to the south so that The J-Comm could knock her out of a good room and stick her in a broom closet. That would be a great punishment. One minor flaw in having all good rooms.

Oh well... minor payback for her stupid act. She'll still get punished somehow if I have any say in the matter. And I do. I love that. I'm an incredibly nice and sweet person... unless you cross me. Then watch the fuck out.

On top of that we have to formulate the budget for Rush and that's going to be fun. I hope we don't get our budget cut... last semester we had $600 a night for Rush and it better stay that way or go up... given the things we want to do.

Some people just need to be done.

Miss Socially Awkward took me to The House's Judicial Committee for the "unseemly" behavior. The instance of my so-called "inappropriate" behavior?? Laying out in a bikini out by The Greek Fields. What the hell. SERIOUSLY!?

Of course no one took her seriously since that charge is just stupid. If she's going to get me for something, at least make it good... not something so pathetic. And dating back to the 1800s. Honestly, she's so socially awkward, she hasn't realized that unless you're a crazy puritan or one of those extremist Mormons who only believe in wearing prairie dresses with braids, you can lie out in the sun and tan.

And then she wasn't satisfied with this rejection from The J-Comm and wrote a fucking letter to The Student Affairs Dean trying to have me sent to The Court. No joke, she tried to have me sent to The Student Affairs Court. First of all... it's fucking the last week of school and she's trying to have me sent to a trial with a jury of my peers. This never happens to anyone except freshman who get caught underage drinking in the dorms. Of course it was rejected, but I received an email saying that I had to meet with the dean. And he went onto this speech of how it's good that people around me care about my wellbeing. Wellbeing my fucking ass... I hate these "reach out" meetings since the only reason why I got called in at all is because she's determined to keep her sister from The Rush Lists and that's not going to happen.

This is so late in the semester that it's not even worth doing something to her. I would like to mess with her a little... maybe I can get The Clerk to kick her out of The House for the next year so she couldn't live in.

In any case, I need to start studying for finals.

Today was such a nice day until...

Miss Socially Awkward accosted me while I was laying out by The Greek Fields. I hate that awkward bitch. It's one thing if you've got a great personality but need a little help in looking more polished, it's another when you're inept at holding a conversation, bitchy, and look like birds are going to be nesting in your hair.

Her biological sister is going through rush this fall and Miss Socially Awkward has been campaigning for us not to let her in. Flat out just deny her. Which is screwed up on so many levels. First of all, her real little sister is completely personable and has great taste to top it off. She is good friends with that thing we like to call the hairbrush. And likes to take regular showers. Let's just say I haven't seen Miss Socially Awkward shower in the last four days and she sure smells like she hasn't. Honestly, spritz on some perfume or SOMETHING. I'm tempted to give her my bottle of Febreeze.

As far as I know, everyone who's met Miss Socially Awkward's little sister loves her and is dying for her to be in The House.

And Miss Socially Awkward had the fucking nerve to come annoy me today when I just wanted some peace and quiet and nice scenery while some boys from The Charter House were playing soccer shirtless. I may not be The President or VP Recruitment, but I have a lot of clout within The House. I sit on The Rush Board and am a silent adviser to a lot of members. People don't argue with me.

She wanted me to immediately take her sister off the list of formal invitation recipients for Rush. We haven't even formulated these lists yet of women we want to formally invite to rush The House. You've got to be amazing to get on this list. I was number one on the list my rush year and I happen to take great pride in that so I do not take the planning of these lists lightly. Her sister would be a great candidate to be number one on the list. She will be known as The Number One because I for sure want her and what I say more or less goes.

I told Miss Socially Awkward that it was not going to be possible to reject her sister before she even met anyone in The House and she started fuming at me and saying how The Number One has tormented her for her entire life and how she's just rushing to get back at her for some childish grudge she doesn't remember.

Miss Socially Awkward then started yelling at me and telling me how this is war and how I may have won the battle but she was going to win the war. And of course she did this stupidly at The Greek Fields so half The Row probably heard us.

And how the hell is she going to sabotage me? Me personally? The Rush Lists? Her own sister? We'll see about that... I have to do a little reconnaissance and see what she has planned. She's awkward yes, and hasn't made it to Ariel's level of human knowledge that even a fork can be used to make hair look nice... but she isn't stupid. I'll grant her that. Or at least not stupid about school and planning. I'll need to get people to watch out for me. If she wants a war, then she will get a war.

You don't want to mess with The House... we'll trash your asses

I am fully pleased with the performance of The House after last night's raid attempt. The brothers of The Hilltop House decided to attempt to drunkenly steal our composite... among other things like thongs to pretend they had scored. Last night was actually a decently opportune time to do it since there were a number of invitationals going on and The Row was relatively quiet for a Thursday night.

I was hanging out in my room and then I hear thuds and when I go look there are about four guys that climbed in via the trellis that we have on the side. Granted, they had some rope and other crap with them... it was still not an easy thing to do. It was still fairly amusing... they fell into our third floor because apparently being drunk makes you blind to the fact that you have to pass the second floor in order to get to the third floor. They were especially stupid since there were more open windows on the second floor than there were on the third floor.

I called up a few girls and since The Hot One is dating our school's star quarterback, we had no problem recruiting a few boys to help take the drunken retards down. Of course once we had them tied down in chairs with their own rope and a few random zip ties supplied by The Engineer of The House, we had to punish them. And what better way to punish them than with make up. That's right, we called up some of The Awkwards who need a little practice doing theirs so that they don't look like crazed hookers or little girls who fell into mommy's makeup drawer.

There were mixed results. Some have improved markedly in their blush and eyeshadow application while others... still need some help. In the end though, those Hilltop men didn't know what hit them. Mostly because they were drunk off their asses and by the time we were done, they were passed out. We took them back to their place and tied them to their fence. Let me tell you, the sight on the way to class this morning was totally worth it. A small crowd had gathered and I wouldn't be surprised if this makes front page news on The University's Newspaper come Monday morning.

Our success in retaliation has been going up and down The Row all day... it's great. One of The Awkwards was saying how she felt so bad doing it... but what's there to feel bad about!? They're the ones who tried to break into The House and steal things. It was totally in self-defense. Besides, it wasn't like they sent pledges to attempt to get something. If that were the case, we would have helped their pledges out, gave them brownies and cupcakes and sent them on their way with kisses on the cheek. But no, full grown bros need to learn the hard way.

Events like this make me love being part of The House.

Midterm Season is like Death

Just finished a round of midterms... good lord that sucked. Especially with all of this house drama going on at the same time. The gossip about The Guitar Hero and The Ex circulated for a while and died as it always does. And I found out who let in The Ex to begin with... it was The Girl with Triangle Hair... I hate her on so many levels. Other than the fact that she has the most annoying personality, she doesn't do a thing about her hair. It's just frizzy and a giant bush every single time I see her. And that simpering girl thinks that everyone just loves her even though the only reason she got in was because her big sis (also an Awkward) bid promised her when she went through... honest to god I hate that... perpetuation of legacies.

I've fully ostracized her this week, as have many in The House. She deserves it for letting The Ex in. I really wonder what motivates her to stay, so many people dislike her and do their best not to talk to her. Honestly... sometimes I just want to dump product in her hair. And the fact that she's just entirely embarrassing at the fraternities.

In other news, how awkward is it to run into a TA at a fraternity party? And then get hit on them by them? I was at The Mansion on Friday for their annual Hef Party and I get a tap on the shoulder and it was my TA from Generic Upper Division Poli Sci last semester... granted it was a hot TA... apparently he was a bro at The Mansion fraternity at a different chapter and decided to check it out here. And then he proceeded to hit on me. Flattering, I guess. He was decently attractive... but The Guitar Hero spotted me and decided right then to come over and be all protective.

What happens when you mix class with bitter girls who didn't get bids...

Bitter girls who go through rush like to spread rumors about sororities they didn’t get into. I wore my sweatshirt with The House letters on it to class yesterday and The Overeager Girl With Bruises on Her Arms during Rush started immediately attacking me so people around me could hear. She told me she’s glad she didn’t get a bid to The House because apparently, being in a sorority is like buying your friends.

Yes, we pay dues to be in a sorority... just like you do for your Emo Poetry Readers Club. We pay dues for social and philanthropy events... what do you pay for again? Oh that's right, razors. For slicing yourself and writing your poems in blood to “fully realize the capacity of human emotion and real pain."

Oh and apparently because we have 100 plus women living in the same house, we just have to be lesbians and prostitutes. What. The Hell. Even the prostitute one makes some sense, following obsolete city laws or whatever. But lesbians!? Does that mean that if you live in an apartment with three other girls that you’re all lesbians? How does the number change that? That doesn’t make any sense and is full of bitterness. And homophobia. Honestly. And even if there were lesbians in The House… so what? As long as they’re not awkward and don’t try to make out with me against my will, I don’t have a problem with that. Look at Portia de Rossi… she’s hot and would make a great sorority girl. Ellen… cute and funny and likes puppies… also great sorority girl potential.

I’m so irritated that she’s in my class. It’s going to be a long semester.

The last thing I want to see on my cell phone after a long day of selling post-Christmas discounted sweaters to angry mediocrely wealthy mobs is

to see a missed call from the winner of the Miss Socially Awkward of The House. Why the hell does she call me anyway? Damn that phone tree system we've got... I hate that she's assigned to call me in case of an emergency. Honestly what kind of real emergencies do you expect to have at The House other than running mascara and the occasional crisis over a term paper?

Back to Miss Socially Awkward... I think she was raised by rocks, underneath other bigger, better rocks. I remember within the first five minutes of meeting her, she asked me if I ever thought about what sex for elephants was like. What. The. Hell. Since when do you ask that of someone you just met? Or of anyone really, unless you happen to be an 11 year old boy who just heard the "You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammal so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel" song by the Bloodhound Gang for the first time???

Anyway, so she called and left a message saying she had the best story to tell ever and that I would get such a kick out of it. I reluctantly called back to get the trauma over with. Her story? That she finally slept with some med school student whose grades apparently aren't up to snuff so he's on the mortician track. Great, she is telling me about how she is being touched by a guy who touches dead bodies all day. That's just a precious story. Seriously, TMI. I didn't need to know that his grades suck and that's why he's going to stuff dead people for a living. If she had left it at med school, it would have been fine. But then again, she wouldn't be Miss Socially Awkward.

Sometimes I wonder how the Miss Socially Awkwards end up in Greek life and then I realize that they're a bit like ants - once one has infiltrated the kitchen, a bunch more are coming and you can't spray all of them fast enough.

People are just weak nowadays. My grandfather reminds me frequently about how he had to walk 5 miles uphill both ways in blizzards 300 days of the year just for the privilege of going to school (I think my grandfather must have lived in Antarctica). And that's how it should be for Greek life too: acts of dedication and bonding events that proved loyalty, which were rewarded with the earned privilege of being in the house. Stupid frat boys and their physical hazing with the water chugging until their pledges die or standing in a closet in their underwear holding up buckets of water - if it weren't for them we sorority girls would still be able to test our pledges' moral fiber and gauge their sociability levels before letting them in. Not just anyone can be a true sorority girl - pretty in pink on the outside and a politicking pro on the inside.